by SUNSHINE DIEM
Photo: Mckenna Haverluk Photography
In 2023, I was diagnosed with depression. The good news is that I have made AMPLE strides in coping, even thriving with it.
Let’s rewind to the year 2003.
From the moment I was born, I have lived as a self-fulfilling prophecy to my name, Sunshine. Born on a bright, sunny morning in June, my mother swears I came into the world with a smile on my face. From that moment forward, I have lived with the sun in my smile. Laughter steadily bellowed from my mouth in an almost constant stream. For the first 14 years of my life, my parents did an outstanding job protecting me and my siblings from the sorrows and ugliness of the real world. I remember being told by my best friend’s father that he could not recall ever seeing me without a smile on my face. I took such pride in that. I thrived on the joy and humor in the room, especially when it came from myself. I suppose now, looking back, it was in fact some form of subconscious vanity.
((This is all of course somewhat of a hyperbole. I have always lived as a highly emotional individual, so do not you doubt for a second that my tears were as big as my laughter. The point here is that I was an exceptionally joyful child.))
In 2017, some unsavory realities made themselves known within the walls of my home, and in my family. This reality required all 6 of my family members to step into new roles. We were faced with emotions we had never experienced, positions we never wanted to be in, and a new sense of vulnerability and empathy none of us were prepared for. For me, this meant taking up a lot of responsibilities in our daily routine. This would go on for the next 4 years.
My oldest brother moved out shortly after our lives shifted. As the only other sibling with a driver's license, I quickly found myself responsible for giving rides and running errands. All of this, on top of my overachieving ((joy-seeking)) school schedule, became my new constant. I do not recall feeling necessarily overwhelmed. God blesses his children with the ability to care for one another, and this was very much the case in our family's situation. We unlocked a new level of tenderness and compassion. While there were plenty of tears, anger, confusion, and turmoil, it always ended in boundless love. Furthermore, we had plenty of phases of normality. We lived in between comfort and chaos, never fully succumbing to either. I simply cannot emphasize enough how much love was felt in our home.
Amidst all of this, I experienced a personal trauma. I was physically taken advantage of by someone I trusted. Prior to this, I had not so much as held hands with a boy. I did not, do not, nor will I ever consider this individual to be a villain. What he did was a misconstrued expression of love. Maybe one day I will wake up and realize that it was not, I am not sure I will ever really know. We were both so young, so innocent. What I do know is that it was a serious turning point in my view of myself.
I had subconsciously become an object to men. My first experience of physical intimacy left me feeling violated and empty. Given the circumstances my family was dealing with, I kept most of it to myself. Over the next few months, I became an entirely different person. My dad got me into therapy shortly thereafter. I have had the same therapist for about 5 years. With her guidance, the love of my friends and family, and a devotion to my faith, I made it through.
The point of me telling you all of this is simple: I never lost my joy during those years. I was always aware of God’s arms around me and felt confident that his love and mercy would see me through the trials and tribulations. When there were obvious, in your face reasons to be depressed, I simply was not. There were certainly some dark times, but nevertheless, I prevailed.
About two and a half years ago, when all of the trials and tribulations of the past 6 years had settled, and objectively, my life was going pretty swimmingly, something changed.
I was sad. My motivation was simply nowhere to be found. I lost my passion, I was not keeping in touch with family or friends, and my personal relationship with the Lord was lost. I continued going through the motions of my life. I stayed in school, went to mass on Sundays, exercised somewhat regularly, but nothing felt real. Nothing felt whole. As my mom described it, “Your life was falling apart all around you.” If you were to have asked anyone around me, they would have had no idea that I was feeling this way. I certainly knew how to fool everyone. If I may speak plainly, it was because I was fooling myself.
This was also around the time I decided to move across the country for self-discovery. I covered that in my last blog, but I was, in essence, running away. My original plan was to continue online school while I was away, but that lasted 2 weeks. There was barely enough gas in my tank to take care of myself, let alone enough to work, take care of my grandparents, and pursue my degree. The jest of it all is I was completely unaware of what was happening. I was gaslighting myself every moment of every day.
When I returned at Christmas time, I was hastily approaching rock bottom. I cried myself to sleep every night. I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror. I spent hours upon hours in my bed. I was heavily addicted to nicotine. Even thinking about going to work exhausted me, and actually going took every fiber of my being. I was existing, I was not living. However, I still could not make any sense of it. It was like body dysmorphia of the mind. I could not justify my feelings. In my past, when I had legitimate reasons to be depressed, I wasn’t. So why now, when there was nothing detrimental enough to be depressed about? Furthermore, I was Sunshine. I was a happy, joyful person. I found myself hyper fixating on what was said to me as a child, “I have never seen you without a smile on your face.” So where was it? Where was my joy? Where was my smile? Where was I? Who was I? I was lost.
There was a week in April 2023, when I hit a rock bottom (I use the word “a” here because I believe there are many rock bottoms in a person’s life. I have seen it, and I have lived it. I have every reason to believe I will face another rock bottom in my life. I also have every reason to believe there is hope. I have seen it, and I have lived it). Something clicked in my mind, and I was finally able to stand outside of myself. I had an out of body experience, and saw myself lying in a field at the bottom of a grassy hill. It was around sunset, and the sky had a soft blue haze. There was a breeze, and I could feel the itch of the grass beneath me. There was a man walking over the hill toward me. He picked me up, but my body was completely limp, as though I was dead or in a coma. What felt like hours, but could only have been seconds passed, and I began to take life and curl up in His arms. I hid my face into His chest, and then He carried me away over the hill. The man was Jesus.
I had been so disconnected from my body. I had been stuck in my head. I had been in such darkness. God came to me and returned my mind and soul back to my body. He picked up all the pieces and reminded me that I am His. When he picked me up and I was limp, I realized I needed help. Jesus walking away with me showed me that He understood I was struggling to walk on my own.
I made an appointment that day with my doctor and was diagnosed with depression the next week.
God is walking with you. He is walking with me. Since that period of hopelessness, I have made incredible strides in hope, in peace, and in joy. I wanted to share this to show that it is real to be sad. I am aware that the amount of traveling I do, the friendships I have, the business I run, and the life I show to the world may come across as effortlessly exciting and joyful. Full disclosure- it is, and I am so insanely grateful for the life God has given me. On the other side of the coin, there is ample darkness I must navigate each day. A lot of mornings, I wake up sad. Having depression is a part of my reality. What has changed is how I let it dictate my actions. In finding my true, real identity as a daughter of Christ, I know that I am loved. In finding my hope as a daughter of Christ, I know that he will ALWAYS carry me when I need him. My purpose in this life is to glorify Him. Anything and everything else is secondary.
Relationship → Identity → Mission. This order of operations has single-handedly changed everything for me. My relationship with my faith is first and foremost my priority. With this relationship, I found my identity. I find my identity as His daughter, my identity as a friend, a sister, a student, a business owner, and a traveler. With these identities, I find my mission, and that is still very much in the works. I am learning everyday what my mission on this Earth is.
I learned so much in the year 2023. To be able to feel such heavy sadness has allowed me to know a very real joy. With the newfound confidence and security, my friendships have grown immensely. I spend hours upon hours laughing with my roommates. I savor every second I get to spend with my parents, my brothers, and my sister. They stood by my side and held me up as I was falling. In all of these relationships, I see the face of Jesus.
I have taken up a new practice when I experience profound joy: I close my eyes, and take myself to a past memory of weakness or intense sadness. I envision myself wrapping my arms around her, myself. The present joy I have found radiates into her heart. I would like to believe some of that joy and love gave "old me" the strength to get to where I am now.
If you find yourself feeling lost, search for the light.
Pax et Bonum,
Sunshine