by SUNSHINE DIEM
Photo taken at North Dakota State University 04/23/2023
When I was 4 my parents decided to uproot our family of 6 from our beautiful mountainside home in Montana, to the freezing grasslands of North Dakota. Upon seeing the for-sale sign in our front yard, I asked my mom what it meant. She explained to me (in toddler-sensitive words) that it meant we would not be living here anymore. My head began to spin with questions and confusion. I knew I had to do something; I quite simply could not let this happen. It was now my duty to prevent this tragedy from falling on my family. I had to protect them. The best solution I could come up with was to steal the for-sale sign and hide it under my bed. Obviously, the for-sale sign was the culprit. It was when that sign was put up that everything changed, so I must simply eliminate the sign and therefore eliminate the problem! It was genius! Well, to no one’s surprise, my parents found it and put it back up, and I promptly stole it back and re-hid it. My young mind saw us moving as a problem, and if there was a problem, I was obligated to fix it.
Two months later I was sleeping under a new roof, in a new bed, surrounded by unfamiliar sights and emotions.
Despite my valiant effort to hide the sign, we still moved. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Now of course I was a toddler, so I had little to no influence on the decisions my parents made, but I think there is more to this story.
Each time I’ve been faced with hardship or adversity, I have felt a moral obligation to find answers, but I don’t stop there. Once the apparent answers are found, I piece it all together like a puzzle. It becomes all-consuming. Once I have a clear image of what is happening, I act. And would you like to know where this has ever gotten me? Absolutely nowhere. No that’s not true, it's gotten me knee-deep in even more confusion and hurt than I started with.
When I go looking for answers, I bring everyone down with me. While communication is one of my greatest strengths, I’ve learned it is a double-edged sword and a vicious cycle. In my quest for answers, I always end up oversharing, therefore involving another person in the problem. Sure, they may give me answers or advice, but it always leads to more questions. So I go to the next person, seeking more answers, and adding another person into the equation.
A pill that is still lodged in my throat: YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FIND THE ANSWERS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!
The pressure to be bettering ourselves and gracefully handling every situation strategically stops now. I’m so serious. IT STOPS NOW. Life is not comfortable, and it never will be. It shouldn’t be. I have spent an embarrassing amount of time crying in obscure places, and I know you have too. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good cry sesh on the shower floor as much as the next girl, but don’t we all deserve better than that?
In this period of self-reflection, I’m realizing the best outcomes have always come when I do one simple thing: absolutely nothing. Now of course this needs to be taken with a grain of salt. You can't just sit around and expect your problems to vanish. But you also don’t have to let the trials and tribulations of life control your every move. In fact, now here is where I might lose you, I challenge you to welcome the sorrow. Let it be your motivation to live in your truth. Your truth is not the smack people are talking about you. Your truth is not the 10 missing assignments you have. Your truth is not the insecurities you feel when looking in the mirror. Your truth is YOU. There is nothing to prove when you live your truth as you.
Some of the best advice I have ever been given was to keep making the next right decision. It is entirely acceptable to live your life minute by minute. I honestly think it should be the only way. When you wake up you can either hit snooze or you can drag your self out of bed. When your feet hit the floor, you can go brush your teeth or you can drink your coffee first. When you get into your car you can play music or sit in the silence of your thoughts (a truly terrifying place to be). And soon enough, you will get into a groove, and things will feel okay again.
You will be comfortable, even in discomfort.
I love you,
Sarah Sunshine